reminescent of the way life was supposed to be

so, tonight i was going thru stuff while cleaning. . . and — i have this dress maker’s mannequin; and i decided to dress her tonight; in holiday festive dress wear… and while i was going thru my cloth and stuff i remembered that i no longer know where my sketchbook is; i was very distraught when i discovered it was gone, and again tonight i was saddened by that fact.  it is kind of like just letting go of a dream that i have had FOREVER… and i don’t want to do that… i mean i wouldn’t change SOME aspects of my life for anything in the world, but i am here to tell you that there is not a day that goes by that i don’t wish florida had worked how it was supposed to.  i moved to Fort Myers with intent.  i was going to work at Chico’s headquarters down there… i applied for ALL the positions i could at that company they had SO many openings posted on the job boards, i even paid for a linked in membership to email the human resources director to no avail… i just wanted to get my foot in the door and work my way up to designer, and then make a name for myself and then explore the world of fashion… i feel that dream slipping so far away… and it makes me want to cry. it makes me wonder what my life would be like if i had been if i didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life by going to Lindenwood.  i could have stuck with my original decision and gone to columbia and maybe i would be somewhere in my life by now… instead of coming quickly upon my 32nd birthday and stuck in debt and in pain and in a career that wasn’t truly my dream, just a curiosity… but then the thought occurs to me that maybe if that had happened, i wouldn’t have my amazing husband… but — god — who knows where else i could have been!!! what i could have done!!! i have had so many good things happen, but i have also had so many bad things happen… and i know i know, everyone has bad things happen, but for awhile, it was just one negative thing after another, i had the worst luck in the entire world… there was nothing going for me… and my life was AWFUL… but i made the best of it eventually… i came through… and then i moved to florida… i was actually on top of the world in STL when i made that decision… i was independent, doing well financially… had a great (if a bit boring) job, i had my own place and i loved it!! but i just needed out of st louis, it’s what i consider my hometown, and it was time for me to move on… and when i got down to florida, oh my god i was more  home than i had ever been before.  it was all so perfect even if everything was going downhill… for those that don’t know — i moved down there with no job, thinking i could get one pretty easily to bide the time til i got the one i wanted, and i did try and apply for a hundred jobs before i moved down there, don’t get me wrong, i didn’t go into it completely blind.  and i did get a job the first day i went out looking.  i was hired on the spot and started within the next couple days, and it was technically what i envisioned – what i told people, i’d work at a shop on the beach until i got a job at chico’s . . . but then things started happening, and even tho i was happier than i’d ever been, i was struggling on such a high level.  an unpaid ticket from the previous year presented itself in the way of me losing my license on a bogus traffic stop… (the cop said i ran the stop sign and i so definitely did NOT) but that led to me losing my job. which led to me not being able to pay my rent and then the guy i was renting from decided that he was going to buy a house and we (the other roomie and I were not allowed) so i lost a place to live, luckily i had met Don, and he let me move in with him, (very early on… and i know that’s crazy, but that’s just the kind of wonderful guy he is) . . . so i had no job, and i couldn’t drive. . . and i had to ask my parents for help, and that was one of the hardest things i have EVER had to do.. . it was so humiliating. . . but they helped me out, and i had to determine a course of action to repay my debt, so i decided that i had run out of excuses; i had always been curious about joining the Air Force, so i looked into it; turns out i was too old (and didn’t know about waivers) so i turned to the Navy… so i took the practice asvab and got a 75; and my recruiter was like damn; you should be a nuke, but i knew that wasn’t going to work for me, plus i had to have a spotless background… hello credit issues. no way.  not happening.  but i knew from that i had many options, and so i took the plunge and signed up to take the asvab, got a 90 (yes brother i know it’s not as good as  you) and then my life started happening, i got 3 jobs, one of which i LOVED!! as a waitress at a little mom and pop diner (ps if you’re in ft myers ever — look up Webtser’s Grill — you won’t regret it!!) and then at Ann Taylor Loft and Victoria’s Secret… and Don and I were doing so well… but then i left. and now i’m where i am. . . just wondering how my life could have been, but also wondering that if things had changed would i still have the love of my life, i like to think that i would. . . that somehow we still would have found each other. . . but i guess i will never know…


About trozellerosio

I am me. that's really all there is to know. I am still figuring out exactly all that entails, but I think it takes a lifetime to do so...

Posted on December 10, 2010, in Life. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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