my private thoughts
so, i was cleaning today, and something made me remember last thanksgiving, oh it was a song – last thanksgiving weekend i went to chicago and spent the weekend with Miss Nicole Lanute and had a great time, but one of the nights, my boyfriend at the time texted me a lyric of a song (not that i knew it at that time) but it was just so sad to know that’s how he felt, lonely and sleepless without me. . . anyways i digress, i was cleaning while i heard that song, and looked about my apartment, and wondered if i could be so happy without the business of the navy. we’d be back in florida, that’s for sure, and i swear to you that i have never been happier than when i was there, even tho it was only a short time, and filled with many problems. . . when i went back for christmas last year, just stepping out of the airport into the air was fulfilling, even Don noted that i looked peaceful when i took that breath… i believe that Florida is my home, much more so than St Louis ever was. yes i have my best of friends that are still there, but on that note, they are supportive of my decisions, and know that i still love them, wherever i may be… and so i wonder at this questionable point in my career, where they can’t figure out what is wrong with me, they are putting together a med board, in which they will say that either i am fit for duty , or should be discharged – should i continue to fight for it?? i am no where that i should be at this point in my career, yes – if i fight and stay in – then maybe i will get what i want from the navy, but – where does it put me?? am i going to be able to test into YN3?? or am i going to have to go back to student status in great lakes after being staff for a year… and then go through all the hassles and troubles of school and barracks life and all that nonsense again.. i DEFINITELY don’t want that… i think that maybe if i don’t test into YN3 then when my orders come due in June, that i won’t fight a decision to discharge…but at that point, i will have failed everyone… but i don’t know if there is anything that i can do about that — i didn’t purposely get hurt, i’m trying to get better, but they still have no idea what is wrong with me, and as my husband put it bluntly the other day — i will be living on pain pills every day… and there will still be no diagnosis… i’m still confused and upset over the fact that i’ve had tons of tests done, and no one can figure a damn thing out… i am getting better, but it might just be the fact that i’m on a pain treatment plan, where the meds i’m on block the pain from registering in my brain.. or something like that. . . but they also make me so tired all the time… so i can’t really say that i am getting better, i’m just not feeling the pain, unless i overdo it… but i am scared to do too much at this point (like — run) b/c i can still feel the pull when i do things i probably shouldn’t do. . . ugh . . . this is so confusing to me. . . i don’t want to disappoint my husband, b/c i feel that will be the ultimate failure… he gave up his home to be here with me in this frozen tundra in a horrible job that he hates, but stays with b/c at the moment it gives him the freedom to come to my dr appts with me, so he can see what i’m going through, help me with it, and give his opinions to the doctors who have stopped listening to me (it seems) and for that i feel horrible, knowing he’s staying at this place he hates b/c of me… i just . . . i really don’t know what to do anymore… don’t know if it’s worth it to keep fighting to stay in… i just. don’t. know.