i wish i were a better writer; that i could be amusing in my blogs, yet i think most of them are looked at as random vents and rants of a weird girl (myself) . . . and i realize that; and yet i continue to write. not for you, though i wish you would read it; (you being a collective assortment of random people, or anyone for that matter) but for myself. . . and yes it is to get my feelings and frustrations out, b/c i have this problem. . . i hold stuff in, i bottle my emotions, well, maybe except anger… i remember seeing a chaplain when i was younger and my parents were separated – the guy told me – you bottle up your emotions. . . *shrug* i was <insert preteen or early teen age here> so i didn’t really understand what he wanted me to do, and i don’t even remember what he told me to do in order to overcome this issue… but then of course, i remember very little from growing up. . . i guess i am the queen of repressed memories? i don’t know why. . . and it has bothered me for the longest time, (ok i take that back, it has bothered me since i met my husband, b/c i can’t tell him little ancedotes from my childhood. . . ) i remember certain things, and i’d rather not share them . . . but i do anyways – b/c he’s my husband – the one person that should know everything about me, why i am like i am (can ANYONE explain that one to me??) and so on and so forth… for example – a particularly humiliating event that i wish i could forget is always in my mind, and i just randomly shared it with him this weekend. . . we were driving back from Milwaukee, and i was trying to keep a conversation going, or start one, or just not fall asleep maybe, and i just said ok here is this — this happened and it’s humiliating and i wish i could forget it, but i can’t. . . he then shared with me something that he shouldn’t have had to go through as well. . . we bonded, there you go. . . but it’s difficult b/c he had a very rough childhood, and well, i know mine wasn’t as bad as his, not even close, but it was something, to me… b/c i can’t remember any of the good things, so i know when i tell people about stuff they are like holy crap your life sucked… i’m sure there were positive things… i just can’t remember them. . .
*shrug* i don’t know why i got on that tangent, but hey whatever, it’s my blog and i’ll say what i want. . .
i wish –
i wish for a hundred different things every moment of every day. . . sometimes it’s serious, and sometimes it’s not. . . sometimes it’s material and sometimes it’s emotional…
i just wish i could make all that i want to happen — actually happen…
but for now, i’ll settle with someone, anyone, being amused by my writings. or maybe subscribing to my blog?
we’re getting a ton of snow in the midwest, florida — i miss you.