You’ve gotta love yourself first…

so, i’ve always heard – you have to love yourself first, well,

honestly.

what. does. that. mean?  i mean, i absolutely no question about it positively love my husband, regardless of anything he says or does that i don’t like, i love him. i may not like him sometimes, but even during our worst fights, i still love him fiercely…
but. myself?? well, somedays i hardly even like myself, much less love myself… i see all my flaws all the time, magnified… like this weight thing that’s dragging me down — it’s affecting SO much of my life, and i don’t know how to stop it… as i have said before, i’ve always had a skewed sense of self when it comes to my weight, so gaining this weight that i have gained, is DEFINITELY not working wonders for my sense of esteem… it’s making me turn down things i should be enjoying, b/c i can’t bear to be… well, naked for one, and just a whole bunch of things that at 32 i shouldn’t be feeling… granted i am getting better, but it’s a slow process… and i’m  not the most patient person… i just don’t possess that virtue… i’m impatient as hell, and i get angry when things don’t go the way i want them to… i’m not necessarily selfish, but in some ways i am… but those are ways that everyone is supposed to be selfish. everyone has to take care of themselves first, and yes, that is a selfish way to be, if you aren’t taken care of, then how are you gonna take care of anyone else?  and i know that mirrors the if you don’t love yourself how can you love anyone else, but i think it’s different, if not for anything else, just for abilities… if you don’t take care of yourself — that means you are incapable of much else, b/c you’re too far gone, too sick?, too unstable? i don’t know, i just know it makes sense in my head.  not taking care of yourself makes you ill, maybe invalid, or something… i know i am not wording this very eloquently, or even explaining it the right way, but it’s there, and i hope you’ll understand what i’m saying… like you get it — but even you can’t explain it the right way… anyways… so it’s different from self love…
((which kinda makes me giggle {in my mind} cuz it sounds kinda dirty — oh yes, surprise, i have immature moments… but it keeps me young))
one of my good friends posted something about her class the other day and said that she’s been teaching for 11 years… and i was like what!?!? 11 years?!??!  this girl is my age, holy crap, we’re old — she’s been teaching THAT long!??!  where has our life gone, although, she’s lucky — cuz she’s where i want to be (location wise) and i envy the hell out of that fact (LOVE YOU COURTNEY~~) but, anyways — 11 years… i’m 32… and i haven’t done ANYTHING for 11 years… is that a bad thing?? is that why my life is so unstable right now?? or maybe it’s not really unstable, i mean i’ve got a steady career right now, {as long as they don’t kick me out cuz of my  hip} and an amazing husband, and we aren’t struggling to live, we have a decent place to live, but, we are somewhere we DON’T want to be… somewhere that we moved hundreds of miles to get away from, and we’re right back in it… but i really don’t have anything to complain about that’s serious… there are tons of people with things way worse than we have it… granted Don hates his job, but — it gave him flexibility to go to my dr appts, since i’m getting better, he’s going to start seriously searching for a new one, but his job provides us with play money… my paychecks pay our bills, and my bills (from the past) and put food on our table etc… and yeah i’ve had this unexplainable and undiagnosable hip pain for over a year now… but, it’s not life threatening… and it’s inconvenient, yes, bu it could be worse, this i know… but it has made MY life difficult… and put me behind in so many ways… the first year of my marriage hasn’t been what it should have been b/c i couldn’t do ANYTHING… we couldn’t go ANYWHERE without a lot of pain, and who wants to deal with that?? and now i’m behind where i should be in my career, granted i’ve made a bunch of friends, and learned a lot of stuff, but, i’d much rather be out where i should be right now… finishing c school and going where i’m going to be stationed… b/c i am excited to see where that will be… and back to the impatience — i am impatient — i want to get there already~!! station me in greece, italy, japan, hawaii, SOMEWHERE… i just am tired of waiting… and i’m going to be waiting and getting more frustrated with going back to school… cuz that’s another 7 months, and then who knows HOW long for orders next year… *sigh* and THAT’s from june, not 7 months from now, and hopefully it’s june b/c who knows how long it will take for them to cut the orders for me to go back to school… *sigh* ughhhhh

so many ifs, so many questions!!!
but anyways, love yourself?? yeah… i’m just not sure about that, but it doesn’t affect my love for others… i just gotta get back to me… cuz right now, that’s not who i am… i am this altered version, that is all the negatives, magnified… and it’s not good, even my husband doesn’t wanna be around me sometimes, and i’m stuck with me, so what do i do…

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About trozellerosio

I am me. that's really all there is to know. I am still figuring out exactly all that entails, but I think it takes a lifetime to do so...

Posted on February 26, 2011, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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