life is such a . . . vicious cycle. it’s sometimes so crazy. and sometimes so bad. and horrible. and awful. BUT. . . through it all, there’s always a silver lining. and i know it’s so cliche and old fashioned to say — but . . . truly. . . through all the stuff that happens, it’s the good stuff that gets you through to another day. the good stuff you look forward to, and the good stuff you focus on when you think that you can’t go on b/c everything is going so horribly. . .
i know MY life is not as horrible as it could be. i mean — i could be in japan, and my life in ruins, but, it’s not. and i’m aware of that. but it’s not how i thought it would be, i’m not where i should be, where i want to be. . . and even those are two different things. . .
where i should be is not where i reallllly want to be. where i really want to be is living life in florida; but . . . where i should be is somewhere further in my career. . . in my life. granted, i have a husband, and i truly never thought that would really happen… and he is great. we have our hard moments. i will give you that. . . but who doesn’t? what matters through all of those is that we are truly happy together even through the worst times, b/c i never stop the feeling of love that i have for him. it just IS. it is now part of my being. . . and that might seem crazy for some people, but sometimes it’s just perfection. even if it isn’t perfect, it’s still perfection through it all.
so when we are fighting
when my life is going downhill b/c of the stupid stuff going on with my health issues — well, are they really health issues??? no. it’s just a problem with my hip. . . that no one has been able fo figure out FOR A FUCKING YEAR. . . and it was getting better. and i will grant you i’m still a TON better than i was. . . but i want to be FIXED. i want to not hurt anymore. AT ALL. i want to run. and not b/c i have to run to stay in the navy, but b/c i WANT to run. i want to let my stress out in that way. . . b/c me — i can’t relax. it’s making healing difficult… it sucks. but — i have to look towards getting better, and be positive. look towards florida… again. god i miss florida. . . so, sometimes i just think . . . geez- – wouldn’t it be so much easier just to not fight the medboard and just get out and go back to florida and use my gi bill and go back to school… granted i have only a couple classes to get my bachelors, but i can get that in a semester or two, and then get my masters.
ah but who knows.
it is life. . . and we take life as it is handed to us. . .
but, like i said — you gotta look for the positive things or you’ll never ever get thru the bad parts.