ohhhh you perverted little puppies.
not THAT e.d.
this e.d. stands for eating disorders .
i don’t have one.
i’m just fucked up in the head.
cuz here’s how my thinking goes… — p.s. this is MY blog, therefore it is a judgment free zone. . . got something ignorant to say — keep it to yourself.
here are some of my more fucked up thoughts — in no particular order
f’d up thought #1: i wish that i could get away with not eating, but my stomach won’t let me
f’d up thought #2: i wish i could get mono b/c then i’d lost a ton of weight!!
f’d up thought #3: tapeworms?? hmmmm
f’d up thought #4: i like being sick, because if i throw up – it works my abs more…
f’d up thought #5: ((this one is rather infamous between a friend & I)) bulimics have better abs
f’d up thought #6: the longer i’m hungry, the less hungry i will be… the more i don’t eat – maybe my stomach will shrink…
UGH this is crazy.
i’m a grown woman. not some adolescent searching for acceptance.
i honestly don’t care what OTHER people think of me — i care what *I* think of me when i look in the damn mirror.
i hate the mirror, btw.
and the scale.
i know that pounds don’t tell the whole truth…
and that when i DO start gaining muscle, it’s going to weigh more than fat…
but, i won’t be jiggly… i’ll be tone and fit… and still paranoid.
cuz my mind is obsessed with numbers.
i actually tried to talk to a counselor about this — she basically laughed in my face…
not that i’m some sort of professional at all – but if someone tells you they have a legitimate fear and problems with how they see themselves — is it reallllllly the best response to laugh at them?!?!?!
needless to say – i didn’t see her anymore
and that’s not even the main reason i WAS seeing her.
i need to be deprogrammed…
b/c i just can’t stop obsessing over this…