A little bit about a lot

so right now – I have so very much I could be doing, but I keep wanting to write a post, and there have been several different topics going through my head… so this will probably be a mashup of all of them.

first – I graduated last month (whoa – I had to check the dates…) literally over a month ago now… (by 1 day) … and then a month ago I left for Germany. Today is my first actual day back at home, without having to prepare for another trip. I was hoping beyond all hope that I would be starting my new career this week… unfortunately, that isn’t happening… I have only had 3 interviews, and I thought I rocked them…. but – I have not heard back from anyone – not even a hey, sorry – you sucked, we’re going with someone else…. I have gotten the rejection from every other job I have applied for that I haven’t interviewed for… so … that’s fun… 😦
I think I give pretty good interviews. I am witty, happy, funny, optimistic, and — not to brag, but I am at least decently smart… and let’s be honest – putting on that show is exhausting when you are dealing with depression and anxiety… I am absolutely exhausted when I get home… but I send out my thank you notes, and I wait… and then I send out my follow up notes and I wait… and …. nothing. . . that’s discouraging… which causes the depression to ramp up… as well as the anxiety – b/c that’s not how this was all supposed to work. I was supposed to get my degree and then kick ass in the professional world. and then start taking care of my husband… who has sacrificed so much for me while I was in the navy… it’s frustrating… and disheartening… ((so hey — if you wanna send out some good vibes my way – I would truly appreciate it))

and of course – I wrote about the topic giving me the most grief in my life right now, and I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about – except my weight issues – but I don’t wanna talk about that right now… other than stating this –
it is such a vicious cycle for women (mostly) when we have had the perfect body ideals drilled into our heads from a young age – and the struggle we endure to try to get there – it makes life difficult to enjoy – many events we celebrate or enjoy revolve around food – and given that food is the mortal enemy of women who can’t lose weight easily — it’s the worst struggle. it just sucks. no, thanks, I can’t enjoy that delicious potato/pasta/dessert/etc b/c my waistline won’t appreciate it, unless I put in extra time at the gym ((BUT — why should this be the caveat–Unfair.))… and some lucky women are blessed with the ability to lose weight easily, or keep weight off just through exercising (and still eating what they want) when I was younger, I could do that – maybe… I don’t even remember at this point… but as I have gotten older- everything has gotten infinitely more difficult – as it does… but that is another discouraging factor in life. . . add to the equation – my body hurts ALL THE FUCKING TIME anymore and I am ALWAYS exhausted – working out is so much harder in general – working out to lose weight instead of maintain – MURDEROUS. . .

why does being a female have to be so annoying??