in. a. nutshell. ((the beginning of my blog))

So.  Here I am.  I have so many thoughts running through my head at any given moment – until I want to put them out there.  Like the other day the ‘class’ I’m going thru was asked a question; and I had a perfect answer – but when I opened my mouth to put it out there – I completely stumbled over everything, embarrassed the hell out of myself and ended up telling the class that someone else needed to answer the question.
Omg. Humiliating.  Sigh
I am going to go see a shrink soon.  I think it is about time, I mean I am not who I am.  The person I have become that is jaded by pain and can’t do anything because it hurts, I’m tired all the time, I want to cry half the time, and to top it ALL off; I’m getting fat. I just want to work out; I want to not hurt anymore, I don’t want some temporary fix; I want them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and tell me how to fix it.  I got a new doctor b/c the original doctors I was seeing couldn’t help me, I asked the guy if I could go see another doctor and he told me no, he said to continue seeing orthopedics.  I’m sorry – I have BEEN seeing them SINCE FUCKING FEBRUARY – they haven’t been able to help me either – SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL ME NO!!!!  and I of course can’t go see another dr without a referral (I so love tricare)  today during this ‘class’ we happened to have a tricare representative come  speak to us.  I told her what was up; so tomorrow I am going to go talk to the person she told me to; and HOPEFULLY I can see someone SOON.  Otherwise; I have another injection scheduled for the end of October.  As for the last one, that definitely made things WORSE – it turns out the Pain Management Dr gave me the wrong shot. Or at least in the wrong area. He gave me the injection in my sacral joint or something I don’t remember it was the SI joint.  My ortho dr said that it should have been in the front hip (the SI is in the back) so .  .  . well. That’s awesome. Thanks for letting that be known when you referred me to him in the FIRST place.  UGH.  So. Right. I don’t think that’s going to help either, b/c I think it is muscular; as does Don who has been doing a lot of research on it.  I did research at first; but seeing as the doctors don’t believe me anyways; I was coming off  as a hypochondriac.  And even now; I put all my symptoms together and come up with some horrible disease (MS) and I’m prettttty sure that’s not what it is – but hey it makes sense.  **sigh**
As for Don – he has been so supportive through this all, and I feel SO horrible about the way I am, and the things we’ve missed out on since he got here, we could have had so much fun this summer; but due to the fact that I can’t walk or anything for that matter; we have not done much. . . and he has also put up with my moodiness for the past few months, which I have to admit isn’t pretty; not to mention my self esteem has PLUMMETED. . . that is one of the reasons I’m going to the psychologist/psychiatrist – whichever one it is – b/c I can’t deal with my emotions at all anymore, and it’s not fair for Don to have to if I can’t. . . so. Yeah. Ok.
Rant over for now I suppose. Tho I could go on about how it is affecting me mentally, or maybe it was the medicines I was on, but all  I know is I used to be smart, and quick and remember a LOT of stuff – and now, that’s all gone.  I have lost skills, I have lost abilities and it makes me sick to think of it. I feel stupid a lot lately and I don’t know what to do at all  😦
So. Yeah. Ok.
Life. In a nutshell.
Peace out.
  1. Toni,

    Though your pain is something different from mine, your reactions are perfectly normal. You sort of go through a grieving process (and it can last a long time), before you begin to buck up and take charge. There are days when it’s going ot make you very, very low, and that’s OK too. You don’t have to battle it all the time. Some days you CAN give into it and go with the ride it’s taking you on, even if it feels like it’s destroying you. Sometimes a pain patient needs a break from fighting all the time, you know? I highly advise the psychological treatments because chronic pain can and does lead to depression. I see a psychiatrist and have had for years. I am not ashamed of it whatsoever. In fact I feel sometimes that I have it more together than my non-pained friends because I work very hard at learning from my circumstances. Beware the internet diagnosing syndrome too….it can needlessly scare you and put you down even further, particularly if you have no hints from your doctors. I’ve been there too, and educating yourself is one thing and scaring yourself is another. Use your information to ask your doctor questions. He works for you, and he’s not always a god of information. People with chronic pain/illnesses often know more about their illnesses than their doctors, who have worked for years in the field do. Don’t be afraid to take charge and trust your gut if your doctor says something you might not agree with. Write down questions and take them with you. If your hubby can go with you, take him, so he can catch information you might not, or a trusted friend can go too. You deserve answers, and appropriate medical care, not the runaround with medications (I’ve been there too). It’s often just as difficult for the doctors when they have a patient they cannot figure out, but a good doc will not give up on you.

    If you need additional resources or help, or to know that you are NOT alone no matter what is going on, try Always feel free to ask me anything if you need reassurance that you’re not losing your mind, or if you have anything on your mind. I might not have all the answers for you but I can cheer you on and help you if my experience can do so.

    Love and hugs.

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