in. a. nutshell. ((the beginning of my blog))
So. Here I am. I have so many thoughts running through my head at any given moment – until I want to put them out there. Like the other day the ‘class’ I’m going thru was asked a question; and I had a perfect answer – but when I opened my mouth to put it out there – I completely stumbled over everything, embarrassed the hell out of myself and ended up telling the class that someone else needed to answer the question. Omg. Humiliating. Sigh I am going to go see a shrink soon. I think it is about time, I mean I am not who I am. The person I have become that is jaded by pain and can’t do anything because it hurts, I’m tired all the time, I want to cry half the time, and to top it ALL off; I’m getting fat. I just want to work out; I want to not hurt anymore, I don’t want some temporary fix; I want them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and tell me how to fix it. I got a new doctor b/c the original doctors I was seeing couldn’t help me, I asked the guy if I could go see another doctor and he told me no, he said to continue seeing orthopedics. I’m sorry – I have BEEN seeing them SINCE FUCKING FEBRUARY – they haven’t been able to help me either – SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL ME NO!!!! and I of course can’t go see another dr without a referral (I so love tricare) today during this ‘class’ we happened to have a tricare representative come speak to us. I told her what was up; so tomorrow I am going to go talk to the person she told me to; and HOPEFULLY I can see someone SOON. Otherwise; I have another injection scheduled for the end of October. As for the last one, that definitely made things WORSE – it turns out the Pain Management Dr gave me the wrong shot. Or at least in the wrong area. He gave me the injection in my sacral joint or something I don’t remember it was the SI joint. My ortho dr said that it should have been in the front hip (the SI is in the back) so . . . well. That’s awesome. Thanks for letting that be known when you referred me to him in the FIRST place. UGH. So. Right. I don’t think that’s going to help either, b/c I think it is muscular; as does Don who has been doing a lot of research on it. I did research at first; but seeing as the doctors don’t believe me anyways; I was coming off as a hypochondriac. And even now; I put all my symptoms together and come up with some horrible disease (MS) and I’m prettttty sure that’s not what it is – but hey it makes sense. **sigh** As for Don – he has been so supportive through this all, and I feel SO horrible about the way I am, and the things we’ve missed out on since he got here, we could have had so much fun this summer; but due to the fact that I can’t walk or anything for that matter; we have not done much. . . and he has also put up with my moodiness for the past few months, which I have to admit isn’t pretty; not to mention my self esteem has PLUMMETED. . . that is one of the reasons I’m going to the psychologist/psychiatrist – whichever one it is – b/c I can’t deal with my emotions at all anymore, and it’s not fair for Don to have to if I can’t. . . so. Yeah. Ok. Rant over for now I suppose. Tho I could go on about how it is affecting me mentally, or maybe it was the medicines I was on, but all I know is I used to be smart, and quick and remember a LOT of stuff – and now, that’s all gone. I have lost skills, I have lost abilities and it makes me sick to think of it. I feel stupid a lot lately and I don’t know what to do at all 😦 So. Yeah. Ok. Life. In a nutshell. Peace out.