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stress baby

i’ve determined, that since stress is known to make you produce more cortisol and cortisol is found to increase ‘brown belly fat’ – the fat that you gain around your midsection is a stress baby… just like you have food babies?? well… i have a stress baby… and i posted a pic on Facebook and all my friends are like what?!? there’s nothing there and getting upset  with me for complaining about it… but when i look down and see my stomach protruding as much as my boobs do… that’s a problem… so it doesn’t show up on my pic… it’s still there and it’s causing me distress. .  . . hence the juice diet.

although today has been so stressful i’m about to change my juice diet to just wine.

that’s juice.

it’s fruit.

just fermented.

same difference right?? fermentation is better for you right?? see: kombucha.

anyways. whatever.

last night i took the zucchini I had that was about to go bad and the rest of my kale that wouldn’t last much longer and a lemon I happened to have on hand and juiced that… this morning I added it to my breakfast juice/smoothie along with some chia seeds, wheatgrass powder, carrot juice, 1/4 avocado (good fats – ya know?) and 2 tbsp of my greek yogurt.

it’s 1:42 pm … I just ate (drank?) it… that was my breakfast. outside of my coffee.. it was pretty good…

i’ve been adding water to the juices to make them a bit thinner and fill up my mason jars… haha

i didn’t weigh myself yesterday before i started this diet. . . journey… hell? haha

today i just want to eat ALL the bad foods… i’m so stressed.

i used to never be a stress eater… i couldn’t eat if i wasn’t hungry – it made me sick…

age changes things i guess… i don’t like it.

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DIY Blueprint Juice Cleanse

I’m on day 4 of this juice cleanse… it’s a diy blueprint cleanse — as the bpc costs hundreds of dollars (insane!!) and there’s a plethora of diy stuff online, I figured I’d find one myself… and didn’t realize that last year when I researched juice cleanses I had decided this had too much fruits… it doesn’t really… as I got all the stuff together and there were only some apples and lemons, so I’m not sure why I had that thought last year…
so I’m on day 4, and I’m down 4 pounds… granted most of it is probably water weight, but… yesterday when I looked at myself (didn’t take/post any pics) my stomach was a lot flatter than it has been lately…
not that I’ve been eating inherently unhealthy (often) but it’s just really fat lately… it’s disgusting…
and before you get upset b/c I’m saying something on me is fat – note – -my fat is different than your fat. my body – different than yours, my ideals for myself are different than yours, or the ones I even judge others by… I have body dysmorphia (sp?) big time… it might not truly be severe, but **shrug** I don’t know, I just know that I see myself VERY differently than others see me… we are our own harshest critics and all that, but this goes above and beyond that…
anyways, I was unable to work out for a few months due to an ankle injury and my weight just ballooned. it’s disgusting… I look in the mirror and want to cry… I can’t run still, but I can work out, and I’m trying to do cardio, but it does hurt… I should try swimming, but then I’d have to put a swimsuit on, and I can’t do that…
anyways, so day 4 is a 24 hour shift at work. the actual cleanse itself calls for no solid foods for the duration of the cleanse, which actually might be only 3 – 5 days, but i’m trying for 10…
but it’s a 24 hour day… that I’ll be awake.. .ALL. DAY. and NIGHT… so, I cut up a lot of fresh veggies and will supplement if I need to… but, I’m hoping I don’t have to…
I figure if I do, then at least it’s healthy stuff!! carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, and mini peppers
no fruits – so no extra sugars (yes I’m aware that some veggies have a sugar content, more than likely the carrots and peppers over the cauli/broccoli) but…. it’s all natural, so it’s at least healthier than added sugars…
I’m craving all sorts of things, and I have strayed . . . because my schedule is wonky and I have appointments all over the place and trainings and such, so I don’t get to drink a prescribed juice at a certain time… I haven’t been awful, but on Friday, I had a cracker during the day, and 3 French fries that night, we went out, I was up much later than normal, and didn’t have my last ‘juice’ of the day (which is a home made cashew milk) so I was STARVING and husband ordered some fries… (loaded… omgggg) but I thought only 3 fries was a pretty good feat given that I’m a potato fiend!!! and the cracker was during a training during the day b/c I couldn’t grab my juice since it was in a different building. . .
on Saturday I had a couple of cashews, but I figure this isn’t so bad b/c they’re part of the milk I make for the end of the day… I just grabbed a couple out of the ones I was putting aside for the mix… so, last year when I did the cleanse, I beat myself up if I strayed… this time, i’m not doing that… my sanity is more important … so, i’m not even eating a quarter of a serving of the 3 times I strayed, just a bite basically… **shrug** judge me if you will… tell me it defeats the entire purpose, but failure would be not finishing it, and I have every intention of doing so…

Juicing – Day 2 – Part 1

so… one of the reasons, as i stated before, of doing this ‘cleanse’ was because i wanted to reset my cravings…

i try to eat healthy… really i do…

but i crave junk a lot of the time… and i’m tired of it!!

because – if i crave it, i usually get it…

which… 1. costs money, and 2. attributes to general unhealthiness.

so . . . day 2 is almost done of this cleanse, and i swear that i’m craving more junk than normal…

i’ll go into more detail about the juices and such after the day is over, but i just wanted to get this out there…

i’m craving chips and potatoes and cheese… oh man oh man

well, chips are potatoes, but you know what i mean…

and i’m hungry!!!!!!!!!!!

although right now at this moment, i’m almost at my 3 hour mark… so i guess i can go ahead and have another juice… but.. this will be an amazing feat if i can pull it off for ten days.

 

there’s this thing that happens

there’s this thing that happens when you find out something that has been going on for a very long time, and you were completely unaware…

it’s kind of bizarre…

but i’m not really going to go into much detail, only that i found out something over the past week that i had no idea existed…

and in turn, kind of ‘gained’ a new family… or something to that effect.

i also reconnected with an aunt that i hadn’t seen in YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS…

and – that was AWESOME…

my cousin was also super amazing in letting me stay with her and her man… and i’m SO happy for her that she’s happy, and he’s a genuinely good guy!! yay!!!

 

i also… gained 2 pounds while i was away… which —  i know, i know — 2 pounds… *gasp*

but.

i was only 2 pounds away from my goal…

and now i’m not…

and i was feeling thin and feeling better about my body… and now i’m not…

ugh.

gross…

i wish i could go into more detail about the first part of this post… but i haven’t decided on letting all those skeletons out… and … while i don’t care if i piss SOME people off… i do care if i piss others off…

 

so you wanna be a model…

i’m sorry — according to this slideshow (the majority) you just aren’t ugly enough or cracked out enough…
www.ivillage.com/200-best-designer-wedding-dresses-2012/5-b-316093?ivNPA=1&sky=stu|ivl|bs|wddngdresses|/

i ‘flipped’ through that slide show which showcases 200 best designer wedding dresses and i was … ya know, i’m not even sure what the word is…
when i envision a model that is supposed to be modeling a fairytale event (wedding of your dreams) i envision someone soft and pretty and feminine.
not a gaunt ugly skeletal and harsh hanger…
i understand that models aren’t supposed to smile on the runway.
honestly, i can’t say i understand WHY tho…
wouldn’t it make the presentation that much better?
once upon a time – i was going to be a fashion designer… i really wish i could follow that dream, but honestly– i can’t draw to save my life.
i envision the actions coming out of my brain – but it doesn’t actually reach my hand the way i intend it… yeah stick figures’r’us
so, i am sad to say, that dream is just a fantasy…
BUT
when i was in the design program at the mistake i call college – i modeled a wedding dress for one of the designers… i’m not going to lie – it wasn’t the greatest dress… and i screwed it up royally cuz i forgot to take my watch off (oops) but, i hope to goodness that i looked feminine and did her dress justice… regardless of how not amazing it was… (also the reason i won’t have a tulle-skirted dress ever)

but some of the models in the above slideshow… wow.
how do they become models actually?? just b/c they are a size 00??
is that the ONLY requirement??
because honestly i think your dress is gonna look infinitely better on someone who is real… because while i’m not condoning bigger sizes… a 4 or 6 is a lot more realistic than the 000 skeletons in some of those pictures…
and then i noticed that some of those dresses are from as far back as 2006… not that it makes much of a difference… but still . . .
the modeling industry is why people are SO insecure about their body image.
let me rephrase that — the modeling industry is why WOMEN are so insecure about their bodies.
it’s just a never ending cycle.. .and it sucks… and i wish we… hell i wish *I* could change how *I* feel about myself…but… along with the world… i just have my own demons i’ll forever be fighting…

so…
i’m just not ugly enough and skeletal enough to be a model
*sigh*
i guess i’m ok with that..
if not — i guess start shoveling some crack down my… um… throat? up my nose? i don’t know the method of ingestion for drugs … my bad…

my twisted view…

ok… here i go again…

i have issues, i know this.

i’m not fat.

i’m not overweight.

i’m not chubby…

however, i am flabby.

and not toned.

and not how i want to look AT ALL…

and this is my major complaint…

my husband loves me, and thinks i’m beautiful… however, even he agrees that there is definite room for improvement…

because, he’s used to what i want… and how i used to be.

and i have conversations with my friends all the time about this… b/c they don’t agree with me… i don’t see myself how others see me.

i see grossness in the mirror… it makes me cry… a lot…

it shouldn’t, i know… and all these people post that you should be happy with yourself on the inside blah blah blah…

but let me tell you — i see the outside.

and i’m seriously unhappy with THAT…

but i’m trying so hard to change it…

i really am…

😦

it’s just taking so much longer than i’m used to… i hate this whole getting older thing… it’s seriously affecting my ability to get back to where i want to be physically…

and yes, even though i am extremely happy with my amazing husband, i am seriously unhappy with my body…

and my love and happiness with him – doesn’t extend through to being happy with myself the way i am physically…

sorry, i just don’t work that way…

so forgive me friends, because my main complaint is my body… and i’m sorry that this annoys you so much…

try being in my shoes… and having this messed up brain that has a fun house mirror take the place of a regular mirror every time i look at it…

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