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my twisted view…

ok… here i go again…

i have issues, i know this.

i’m not fat.

i’m not overweight.

i’m not chubby…

however, i am flabby.

and not toned.

and not how i want to look AT ALL…

and this is my major complaint…

my husband loves me, and thinks i’m beautiful… however, even he agrees that there is definite room for improvement…

because, he’s used to what i want… and how i used to be.

and i have conversations with my friends all the time about this… b/c they don’t agree with me… i don’t see myself how others see me.

i see grossness in the mirror… it makes me cry… a lot…

it shouldn’t, i know… and all these people post that you should be happy with yourself on the inside blah blah blah…

but let me tell you — i see the outside.

and i’m seriously unhappy with THAT…

but i’m trying so hard to change it…

i really am…

😦

it’s just taking so much longer than i’m used to… i hate this whole getting older thing… it’s seriously affecting my ability to get back to where i want to be physically…

and yes, even though i am extremely happy with my amazing husband, i am seriously unhappy with my body…

and my love and happiness with him – doesn’t extend through to being happy with myself the way i am physically…

sorry, i just don’t work that way…

so forgive me friends, because my main complaint is my body… and i’m sorry that this annoys you so much…

try being in my shoes… and having this messed up brain that has a fun house mirror take the place of a regular mirror every time i look at it…

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i’m cranky irritable and angry

so. i wandered off my diet… i had intended to do so for the weekend i was in st louis, but i also intended to get right back on the wagon when i got back.  unfortunately, last week was by far the most stressful and upsetting week i had in a LONG time, and i said screw it. . . and didn’t worry about the diet… and this week i need to. . . i realllllly need to, b/c the little bit of weight i lost, has definitely come back and in a different way… i feel so obese right now… PLUS it’s difficult to deal with people telling me i DON’T need to be on a diet and then me hating what i see in the mirror, and my husband encouraging me to diet… i can’t work out, although i’m getting closer to the time that i will be able to again, i get to start the elliptical on friday and i’m very excited about that. . . but until then, i don’t know what is wrong with me, i’ve never had to restrict my caloric intake before, and it’s frustrating . . . and making me difficult to be around. . . i’ve watched what i ate before, but, that was the extent . . . and i could always work it off if i ate more than i should have, or something i shouldn’t have. . .

i just need people to back off . . . and not give me shit for being on a diet, and not give me shit for the things i do eat if it doesn’t fit in with my diet… *sigh*

i need to be back to me, i can’t stand looking like this, and i know some people don’t see it (most in fact) but, they only see me with clothes that camouflage it well… (i.e. my work uniform) i’m the one that looks in the mirror at home, and has to wear my jeans that are too tight, and it disgusts me. . .

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