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my twisted view…

ok… here i go again…

i have issues, i know this.

i’m not fat.

i’m not overweight.

i’m not chubby…

however, i am flabby.

and not toned.

and not how i want to look AT ALL…

and this is my major complaint…

my husband loves me, and thinks i’m beautiful… however, even he agrees that there is definite room for improvement…

because, he’s used to what i want… and how i used to be.

and i have conversations with my friends all the time about this… b/c they don’t agree with me… i don’t see myself how others see me.

i see grossness in the mirror… it makes me cry… a lot…

it shouldn’t, i know… and all these people post that you should be happy with yourself on the inside blah blah blah…

but let me tell you — i see the outside.

and i’m seriously unhappy with THAT…

but i’m trying so hard to change it…

i really am…

ūüė¶

it’s just taking so much longer than i’m used to… i hate this whole getting older thing… it’s seriously affecting my ability to get back to where i want to be physically…

and yes, even though i am extremely happy with my amazing husband, i am seriously unhappy with my body…

and my love and happiness with him – doesn’t extend through to being happy with myself the way i am physically…

sorry, i just don’t work that way…

so forgive me friends, because my main complaint is my body… and i’m sorry that this annoys you so much…

try being in my shoes… and having this messed up brain that has a fun house mirror take the place of a regular mirror every time i look at it…

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do you ever just wonder?

do you have problems shutting off your brain? making it be quiet? allowing you to relax? maybe to sleep? or focus on the task at hand?

*sigh*

i, unfortunately, have this problem. and it IS¬† a major problem… it affects my most intimate tasks, and it disallows (yes i¬†made this word up just now because i couldn’t think of the word prevents) me from sleeping…

my current f/b status is: my mind is constantly on. . . always thinking, always wondering…
sometimes it makes life most difficult…

i¬†wonder constantly about stupid random stuff that i really honestly don’t care about.

my mind flashes back to random memories… sometimes at inopportune times… and it annoys the hell out of me.

i¬†think it might be b/c i don’t remember a lot from a certain portion of my life, so the random memories come back to haunt me in flashes…

so i¬†flash back to random events, random people, and i¬†wonder how they are doing, even tho i¬†may not have talked to them in 15 years… and then that makes me think of some other event… or person, or place, or thing… and before i¬†know it i’m lost in a sea of randomness . . .

and then i¬†pull myself back to reality… and i¬†realize i’m¬†clenching my jaw… i¬†don’t know why this happens, the whole clenching of the jaw, but i have to literally tell myself to unclench… and relax my face…

i¬†really … just wish that sometimes i was able to forget it all, and quiet my mind and actually legitimately relax…

did you know — i¬†am unable to relax. i¬†just can’t. it doesn’t work. i¬†have tried it millions of times over the years… and i can’t go without moving… it just doesn’t work well for me…

try having that problem in boot camp…. :-\

what do YOU do to focus your mind on the life at hand…

more than just a task — this life –

i¬†want to focus on NOW. not then… granted then is what made me who i¬†am now, but … i¬†am that person, and i¬†want to just live in the now… and reminisce only when i¬†want to… not when i’m trying to do something else…

cuz really it can be annoying as hell…

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