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Run Forrest Runnnn

So, in order to get my wobbly butt into shape, i decided to take up running. . . b/c i need to be able to run – for the PRT… granted, i have no problems passing it anytime i take it, but i would like to be better. and i would like to be less jiggly… { i have seen SOME results… but, without a scale, i can only see the way some of my clothes fit better… i still feel quite flabby… and very untoned…}
i know that i need to exercise more than just running; but my main concern is running… i want to be a good runner… unfortunately . . . i’m not. 

i have been running every monday, wednesday & friday since i got to virginia. . . i should be infinitely better than i am… but — i’m not. i run 2 – 4 miles 3 times per week… unfortunately a lot of that ‘running’ is walking – b/c i get the infamous side cramp, or some part of my body just HURTS… and i really hate hurting so badly!!! plus i want to get the lean look that runners have… *sigh*

on some days, i run to the gym, and do a mini workout ((mainly abs)), then i run back to the schoolhouse…

i am 98% positive that my running form is AWFUL… but, i don’t know what i can do about it. . .

i got new shoes when i got here, b/c i was getting shin splints every single time i ran… so i got RYKA brand shoes… they seemed like a good choice, well; they still seem like a good choice, i don’t get shin splints anymore… and they breathe very well… which makes my feet not feel sweaty… which of course is always a good thing.. .

so anyways, with all of that information — my point is that i was unable to run the week before last; and i got punched in the hip last weekend, but i started back up last week, did it my 3 days; and then today being monday – was my next day running…as i was running… both of my hips felt like they were locking up. . . it felt so constricted… like they were folding in on themselves… it hurt so bad… 😦

additionally,

we started something new today – which was the same day that i was going to add a structured workout regimen to my thrice weekly routine. . . but we had to meet up with the rest of the command and do our ‘warm up’ with them. . . which felt like an actual workout to me. . . so, that kind of kept me from doing my gym routine in the middle; b/c of the time that it took. . . which just means that i’ll have to start it up on tuesdays and thursdays and one day during the weekend… no big deal; i just ahve to actually discipline myself to work out every day but one… *sigh* i suppose if i don’t wanna feel fat; i gotta work harder? yeahhh… thought so. . .

 

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day 1 – hell (aka aquatic therapy)

so, today was my first day of aquatic therapy. i have been very excited to start this, and it’s been a long time in the making ( my first evaluation got postponed for a month b/c of the snow storm) so tuesday i went and got evaluated, and today i started.  a few precursory comments:  i own bikinis.  i have not bought a one piece swimsuit ever, the last time i owned a one piece swimsuit was when i was growing up and my parents bought it for me.  the ONLY exception to this is my navy issued swimsuit from bootcamp.  when i tried out the pool on my own in december i wore this one piece suit – it was fine.  a teensy bit more snug than it had been in bootcamp but otherwise fine.  i put it on today, and it seemed to fit ok, but definitely was cutting into my legs . . . i dismissed this fact.  THAT. was dumb. the line of said swimsuit cuts right across my hips.  right where my pain is located. the cutting into my legs was directly where it shouldn’t have been, my  dismissing it and going into the water is part of the reason of today’s failure.  i left plenty early to get to the session.  however, one of the rules on the information sheet i got said no open sores.  well i have a chunk of skin missing from my thumb from yesterday that i had covered with a bandaid, i figured it’d be fine by now and took the bandaid off — well, it turns out, it’s an even bigger hole in my thumb, and DEFINITELY needed to be covered up. so i made a quick stop and bought some bandaids.  A QUICK STOP.  no. that stop took fifteen fucking minutes b/c there was a woman at the counter who had to dispute EVERY single item she was purchasing.  the cashier called the other worker up. she came up after a couple minutes and proceeded to put her lunch in the microwave AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. and then came up to the register and screwed up the order of the 2 people in front of me.  FINALLLLLLLY i was able to purchase my bandaids and leave. {{this was the little convenience store nex across from the VA}} i zoomed over to the hospital campus and set about finding a parking spot.  apparently at 10:15 on a thursday morning, parking spots are a very rare commodity. . . it took me TEN minutes to find a parking spot, and the only reason i got it was b/c someone was leaving. i’m not saying i drove around the same little spot for ten minutes. the area i drove around encompassed a large amount of parking.  the parking spot i got was in the furthest row from the building. so it took me five minutes to walk to where i needed to be. got in, took off my gym clothes (thankfully i had changed at work and had my swimsuit underneath gym clothes) then waited for someone to get out of the one shower (b/c it’s a rule that you must shower before you enter the pool)  then waited for a couple minutes while she decided to dry off. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SHOWER.  i finally had to say excuse me, i really need in there, and was able to rinse off before heading in.  showed up to the class. not late, but not really on time, or early, proceeded to get in and the instructor tells us to put these cuffs on our ankles. ok, no big deal, i figured they were weights.  proceeded to begin class. i was having a very difficult time keeping my balance and doing some of the stuff, and i was getting very dizzy.  i continued on until at one point i had to stop. the instructor (all the time had been calling out telling me to stop if i need to and not do something if it hurt) came over and asked if i was ok, and i said no, not really, my pain level is up a lot, and i’m getting very dizzy, and i can’t keep my balance at all. she then informed me that the cuffs were actually flotation devices and i should take them off if they weren’t working very well for me, i told her i would continue to try them and press on.  that lasted for about 2 minutes.  i had to stop. i had to rest. i took them off, i leaned against the wall, and it was still too dizzying so i sat on the wall and just tried to relax and breathe and all that stuff.  .  . the instructor told me that i should take a tube and just go float in the deep end and try to relax until the pain subsided.  we talked for a few minutes her asking questions and me explaining that even during physical therapy the pain increases during activity and then i ice (or heat) it down and leave, and a little bit later i’m good as new, but this pain was more than that . . . which confused me b/c it’s water — you’re supposed to be weightless in water, it’s supposed to be easier. i was embarrassed, and i told her so and she said not to worry about it – and i know i shouldn’t. but it’s more of a major disappointment in myself. moreso than embarrassing. . . and i just feel like i let myself down, and that’s what is affecting me the most.  i left the class about ten minutes early (after floating and trying to stretch my hip out and stuff) took a quick shower to rinse off and then went home to shower and eat before heading back to work.  since then i’ve felt ill. i don’t know if it is my increased level of pain, or what, but i just don’t feel good. and apparently i look like it.  i’m kinda nauseated, and dizzy, and i still hurt.  (i did however, just remember that i have tylenol in my desk and took some – so hopefully that helps at least a little) i was hoping to be ok this afternoon and hit the gym, but i just don’t see that happening. *sigh* 

 

(((also add in the fact that in a class of 15-20 OLD (and overweight) people — i’m the only one who couldn’t do it. . . that’s playing a factor in my feelings also)))

 

ugh.  it will get better. i know it will, but i had such high hopes and expectations of myself today and i completely blew it all out of the water. (pun intended) 

anyways. 

ok. 

that’s my story. the end. (for today. or this hour. or whatever) 

You’ve gotta love yourself first…

so, i’ve always heard – you have to love yourself first, well,

honestly.

what. does. that. mean?  i mean, i absolutely no question about it positively love my husband, regardless of anything he says or does that i don’t like, i love him. i may not like him sometimes, but even during our worst fights, i still love him fiercely…
but. myself?? well, somedays i hardly even like myself, much less love myself… i see all my flaws all the time, magnified… like this weight thing that’s dragging me down — it’s affecting SO much of my life, and i don’t know how to stop it… as i have said before, i’ve always had a skewed sense of self when it comes to my weight, so gaining this weight that i have gained, is DEFINITELY not working wonders for my sense of esteem… it’s making me turn down things i should be enjoying, b/c i can’t bear to be… well, naked for one, and just a whole bunch of things that at 32 i shouldn’t be feeling… granted i am getting better, but it’s a slow process… and i’m  not the most patient person… i just don’t possess that virtue… i’m impatient as hell, and i get angry when things don’t go the way i want them to… i’m not necessarily selfish, but in some ways i am… but those are ways that everyone is supposed to be selfish. everyone has to take care of themselves first, and yes, that is a selfish way to be, if you aren’t taken care of, then how are you gonna take care of anyone else?  and i know that mirrors the if you don’t love yourself how can you love anyone else, but i think it’s different, if not for anything else, just for abilities… if you don’t take care of yourself — that means you are incapable of much else, b/c you’re too far gone, too sick?, too unstable? i don’t know, i just know it makes sense in my head.  not taking care of yourself makes you ill, maybe invalid, or something… i know i am not wording this very eloquently, or even explaining it the right way, but it’s there, and i hope you’ll understand what i’m saying… like you get it — but even you can’t explain it the right way… anyways… so it’s different from self love…
((which kinda makes me giggle {in my mind} cuz it sounds kinda dirty — oh yes, surprise, i have immature moments… but it keeps me young))
one of my good friends posted something about her class the other day and said that she’s been teaching for 11 years… and i was like what!?!? 11 years?!??!  this girl is my age, holy crap, we’re old — she’s been teaching THAT long!??!  where has our life gone, although, she’s lucky — cuz she’s where i want to be (location wise) and i envy the hell out of that fact (LOVE YOU COURTNEY~~) but, anyways — 11 years… i’m 32… and i haven’t done ANYTHING for 11 years… is that a bad thing?? is that why my life is so unstable right now?? or maybe it’s not really unstable, i mean i’ve got a steady career right now, {as long as they don’t kick me out cuz of my  hip} and an amazing husband, and we aren’t struggling to live, we have a decent place to live, but, we are somewhere we DON’T want to be… somewhere that we moved hundreds of miles to get away from, and we’re right back in it… but i really don’t have anything to complain about that’s serious… there are tons of people with things way worse than we have it… granted Don hates his job, but — it gave him flexibility to go to my dr appts, since i’m getting better, he’s going to start seriously searching for a new one, but his job provides us with play money… my paychecks pay our bills, and my bills (from the past) and put food on our table etc… and yeah i’ve had this unexplainable and undiagnosable hip pain for over a year now… but, it’s not life threatening… and it’s inconvenient, yes, bu it could be worse, this i know… but it has made MY life difficult… and put me behind in so many ways… the first year of my marriage hasn’t been what it should have been b/c i couldn’t do ANYTHING… we couldn’t go ANYWHERE without a lot of pain, and who wants to deal with that?? and now i’m behind where i should be in my career, granted i’ve made a bunch of friends, and learned a lot of stuff, but, i’d much rather be out where i should be right now… finishing c school and going where i’m going to be stationed… b/c i am excited to see where that will be… and back to the impatience — i am impatient — i want to get there already~!! station me in greece, italy, japan, hawaii, SOMEWHERE… i just am tired of waiting… and i’m going to be waiting and getting more frustrated with going back to school… cuz that’s another 7 months, and then who knows HOW long for orders next year… *sigh* and THAT’s from june, not 7 months from now, and hopefully it’s june b/c who knows how long it will take for them to cut the orders for me to go back to school… *sigh* ughhhhh

so many ifs, so many questions!!!
but anyways, love yourself?? yeah… i’m just not sure about that, but it doesn’t affect my love for others… i just gotta get back to me… cuz right now, that’s not who i am… i am this altered version, that is all the negatives, magnified… and it’s not good, even my husband doesn’t wanna be around me sometimes, and i’m stuck with me, so what do i do…

Eat THAT! Elliptical

so, i made it for 10 minutes on the elliptical without any pain until 9:15. ok, no. not without any pain. i take that back, at first there was some, but i pushed through it, talked to one of the therapists about it — {{interjection}}  the faster i go, the less resistance I feel..but the more difficult and painful it is, however, the slower i go, the more resistance i feel which results in a different kind of pain… my ideal speed is somewhere between 4.7-5 for right now… (well today) so anyways, i got over the initial pain, and lasted until 9:15 but pushed through that to make it to 10 minutes. . . this is a big accomplishment for me. when i first started the elliptical i did 1 minute before i couldn’t do anymore, the next time i did 2 minutes, and i was stuck there for a day or two, then made it to 3, and yesterday i did 5, but it HURT…

so, the fact that i pushed through to 10 today makes ME happy, and i don’t care about anyone else thinking it is lame 🙂

i also had some inflammation that i have been concerned about and the dr told me to come in anytime and tell her about it when it’s present, well, my issue with that is that i only take notice of it at night, b/c that’s when i’m in less clothes or less constricting clothes and can actually feel for it. . . (yes i look for this inflammation, it worries me) so today it happened and she checked it out and said that it’s not really NORMAL, but it’s not a bad thing, and it will be MY normal for a bit b/c my body is not used to using these muscles after so much time of not using them. . . it’s the fluid that repairs the muscles tearing getting stuck somewhere and not flowing all the way through, which isn’t a great thing, but since no one can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, there’s nothing that can be done about it, and like i said, it’s not a significantly bad thing… so, that’s good, one less thing to worry about. !!

we shall see how things progress!! 🙂

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