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more things in my brain

So, I’m at drill this weekend, and there’s so much stuff going on around, but at the same time, nothing at all… it’s super busy, there’s a ton of people, so I can’t really focus on my homework. All my Navy stuff is done, and I’m just waiting to go to lunch… so I’ll write some blogs, get some things out of my brain….

Self-therapy and all…

I’m so utterly exhausted. I have no idea why, but I feel way more run down than normal this weekend… I know drill is always tiring – this uniform is so uncomfortable that at the end of the day all I can do I fall into bed and rest for a bit before doing anything else.  ((but I have to drive home today so no chance of that happening… just get it off as soon as possible and hope I stay awake (and alive) for the drive home))

Anyways – let’s go through the inventory of my thoughts…

In no particular order.

The passing of friendships and changes in dynamic –

I have a few people that I consider my BEST friends. Yes, I’m one of THOSE… whatever.

There’s obviously my husband. We may fight sometimes – but he’s mine and always there.  (I probably take that for granted, but then again, he probably does too… that’s how life is…)

And I have two other friendships that I have cultivated over the years and considered them my female soulmates… (which, yes, may sound corny – but hey – I am who I am, and I don’t care what you think about that … you’re the one reading my random thoughts; I’m just sharing them…)

Anyways – one of those friendships just ENDED. And if it hasn’t ended, it sure as hell feels like it has. I used to see this person on a weekly basis. We talked all the time; either via text or phone ((and I HATE talking on the phone)), and then it just all stopped without warning and I have no idea why… I feel like maybe I did something during an event we were at, (that I’m not aware of) or I offended her at a party she threw (but I have no idea how) or when she canceled her birthday and I took it as a direct implication of something I said and then freaked out when she didn’t answer and called everyone (3 people) that were close to her trying to get in touch with her — regardless I haven’t seen her since November, and it’s devastating. I don’t know what’s going on – and I don’t know how to find out the actual truth… and it sucks. It just fucking sucks. I have lost another friendship in the time I have been in Florida and again, I have NO idea why. It just ended. Did I say something?? Did I do something?? My overanxious brain finds all these worst-case scenarios and goes through them endlessly until I finally just exhaust myself and give up. Ok – you don’t care about this relationship – then I just have to accept that… but … it’s very hard to accept and get over a relationship that has lasted for years and just ends abruptly for no reason.

Another friendship has changed dynamic drastically. . . and it also sucks… decisions were made that I don’t agree with or even remotely understand… and the person is aware that I don’t agree with the decision she’s making … and it has caused a wedge in our relationship… there’s an awkwardness that wasn’t there before… I don’t get to see her as often as I used to – even when she was in relationships before, I saw her more, we talked DAILY, we just were more… and now we’re not… and I get it – I don’t understand the decision she’s making. I don’t think it’s a good decision to make. So, she’s distancing herself from me. Even if it is unconsciously… BUT IT FUCKING SUCKS. . .

I feel like two of my closest friends are just gone.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just a horrible fucking person who doesn’t deserve to have close friends… but I would like to think I’m not… and I know several people would say I’m not. . . but at the demise and crumbling of friendships – that’s what my overactive, overanxious, fucked up brain says…

I had more things to say… but this has kind of taken the wind out of my sails ((not that I had any to begin with, I just want to sleep…..))

But – thus this post ends.

See ya when I see ya… {except I probably won’t – because this is the electronic world}

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Things that are in my brain

So much stuff is flowing through my brain right now. I’m quite irritated in general and thinking about stuff is making that worse… I’m also exhausted to an abnormal extent and that of course, makes everything worse.  

First thing on my mind is my friends of Facebook. 

I use Facebook to keep in touch with most of my friends that I’ve made through the navy and don’t see anymore, along with the friends and family I left behind when I moved to Florida. . . there are 2 people on my Facebook (now) that I have never actually met – and I will meet one of them at the end of January, and the other is her daughter (who happens to be my cousin).

 

Anyways – this world is just astounding in the level of racism that people are showing, the negativity to each other, the things that people find offensive – just everything is becoming a bit ridiculous. I have had to unfollow people, and even unfriend people… I hate that.  But these posts and the beliefs by people that I thought were better than that are just hurtful to my heart.  I am not actually stating what it is – but – I can’t believe that people that I thought were better than that – are so closeminded and downright awful. I try not to post my political views.  In fact, I wish that we could rid Facebook of political posts… it would make it a lot more pleasant place. 

It’s also annoying how “triggered” people become at such insignificant things. The world is offensive. It’s always been offensive. You control what you pay attention to and what you don’t.  With the advent of social media and the prevalence of our phones invading every space in our life – it’s easy to get caught up in things.

Be nice to each other.

Be kind.

Stop judging everyone so harshly.

“Be the good you want to see in the world.”

 

stress baby

i’ve determined, that since stress is known to make you produce more cortisol and cortisol is found to increase ‘brown belly fat’ – the fat that you gain around your midsection is a stress baby… just like you have food babies?? well… i have a stress baby… and i posted a pic on Facebook and all my friends are like what?!? there’s nothing there and getting upset  with me for complaining about it… but when i look down and see my stomach protruding as much as my boobs do… that’s a problem… so it doesn’t show up on my pic… it’s still there and it’s causing me distress. .  . . hence the juice diet.

although today has been so stressful i’m about to change my juice diet to just wine.

that’s juice.

it’s fruit.

just fermented.

same difference right?? fermentation is better for you right?? see: kombucha.

anyways. whatever.

last night i took the zucchini I had that was about to go bad and the rest of my kale that wouldn’t last much longer and a lemon I happened to have on hand and juiced that… this morning I added it to my breakfast juice/smoothie along with some chia seeds, wheatgrass powder, carrot juice, 1/4 avocado (good fats – ya know?) and 2 tbsp of my greek yogurt.

it’s 1:42 pm … I just ate (drank?) it… that was my breakfast. outside of my coffee.. it was pretty good…

i’ve been adding water to the juices to make them a bit thinner and fill up my mason jars… haha

i didn’t weigh myself yesterday before i started this diet. . . journey… hell? haha

today i just want to eat ALL the bad foods… i’m so stressed.

i used to never be a stress eater… i couldn’t eat if i wasn’t hungry – it made me sick…

age changes things i guess… i don’t like it.

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frick and frack

holy geez. could my day get any more stressful??  i mean, i know i don’t have it that bad, i really do, but i feel like i’m in such a delicate state of mind lately, blowing up at nothing, going crazy for no reason, stressing out for things that i should be. . . but geez… sometimes it’s just too much…

so today… normal day . . . ok wait, no it wasn’t. we started work at 9:30 instead of 7 — THAT was kick ass, i could definitely handle working at 9:30 every day. . . so i didn’t go on lunch, no big deal, i actually ran out of time this morning and ate breakfast at work b/c it was too hot to eat at home. . . but i ate the sandwich that my wondermous husband made me, and he also packed a bunch of snacks for me, but all i had was the sandwich… no big deal no big deal, i was reminded (by posts on facebook) that my father was having his surgery today… so i texted my sister and told her to keep me informed.  .  .  so she did.
{{background — my father has lung cancer.  he’s been going through chemotherapy since they found it, and today was undergoing surgery to remove the cancerous tumor}} he went into surgery at about 11:00; and got out at about 1:30; they had anticipated 4 or 5 hours. . . so the good news is that they took less time, they bad news is — they took his ENTIRE right lung. . . now i’m not a genius, but . . . larger people have a limited breathing capacity anyways, so. . . i’d figure that he kinda needs that to exist normally, but sister said that it wasn’t functioning anyways, so he’ll be fine. . . ok. . . so he’s in the ICU right now, and there is stress on my end b/c of certain feelings involved in the whole father-daughter situation between him and i.
ok, so it’s stressful, but more on the end of my feelings, my feelings are causing me stress. my bestest friend Emily was able to talk (email) me through some of them, but, there are certain things i feel that i just can’t cope with well.
so, i go grocery shopping. retail therapy at it’s most helpful. . . i spend $115. . . um. . . oops. i spent $80 on groceries tuesday… we can afford it, but i’d rather not spend all that money. . . but now it’s done and over with. . . oh well.
so carefully navigating my way through rush hour and snow banks and my grandmother calls, i’m excited at this b/c i sent her flowers to be delivered yesterday… she delivers a crushing blow before i can even ask her about them.  and what sucks is i can’t share it at this time b/c not everyone has been made aware due to the stress of what’s happening with my father. . .
oh, and she didn’t get the flowers b/c almost everything was shut down yesterday in STL also, so i ruined that surprise.. .
but, this news hits me harder than i ever thought it would. . . and i called my husband but he’s busy at work, and it’s loud and i get off the phone with a feeling of neglectedness (yes i made it a word) and decide i have to call my boss to give him a heads up for tomorrow . . . and i start BAWLING. . . ON. THE PHONE., WITH MY BOSS. awesome. . . how awkward…

*sigh* ugh…

so i made dinner. i hope it comes out ok… and i hope Don likes it. . . but i don’t know WHEN he’s gonna be home, b/c his friend asked for his help with his car… yay.  *sigh*

 

oh life . . . what have i done???

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