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stress baby

i’ve determined, that since stress is known to make you produce more cortisol and cortisol is found to increase ‘brown belly fat’ – the fat that you gain around your midsection is a stress baby… just like you have food babies?? well… i have a stress baby… and i posted a pic on Facebook and all my friends are like what?!? there’s nothing there and getting upset  with me for complaining about it… but when i look down and see my stomach protruding as much as my boobs do… that’s a problem… so it doesn’t show up on my pic… it’s still there and it’s causing me distress. .  . . hence the juice diet.

although today has been so stressful i’m about to change my juice diet to just wine.

that’s juice.

it’s fruit.

just fermented.

same difference right?? fermentation is better for you right?? see: kombucha.

anyways. whatever.

last night i took the zucchini I had that was about to go bad and the rest of my kale that wouldn’t last much longer and a lemon I happened to have on hand and juiced that… this morning I added it to my breakfast juice/smoothie along with some chia seeds, wheatgrass powder, carrot juice, 1/4 avocado (good fats – ya know?) and 2 tbsp of my greek yogurt.

it’s 1:42 pm … I just ate (drank?) it… that was my breakfast. outside of my coffee.. it was pretty good…

i’ve been adding water to the juices to make them a bit thinner and fill up my mason jars… haha

i didn’t weigh myself yesterday before i started this diet. . . journey… hell? haha

today i just want to eat ALL the bad foods… i’m so stressed.

i used to never be a stress eater… i couldn’t eat if i wasn’t hungry – it made me sick…

age changes things i guess… i don’t like it.

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Juicing; round: who knows

So….I have gotten pretty fat since I injured my ankle in December of 2014.  If you weren’t aware – that happened, and it didn’t get better until August 2015; but during that time I was getting out of active duty navy and moving back to florida and dealing with all the stressors surrounding that (including homelessness and joblessness!! fun times!!)

I have attempted to run again a few times, but, while i have the motivation (looking in the mirror makes me want to vomit) i don’t have the willpower or energy. I am still exhausted all the time… i thought it was due to the navy; and while it very well may be; according to the dr i saw a couple weeks ago – it will take my body a few years to get over the beating it took … i was hoping it would end. . . now my job is even MORE stressful than NCTAMS ever was… and i don’t get paid much to deal with it…

my ankle still does actually cause me problems when I run… if i don’t wear a brace, and sometimes even when i do…

i’m making excuses. just get out there and do it fatty. . .

i know. i need to.

i need to. i want to… i just….. can’t bring myself to do it…

so anyways; i’m starting a juice diet in the hopes of helping elevate my energy levels…

which to normal person might not make sense. – on the outside it looks like i eat healthy, i don’t eat tons … i don’t partake in junk food THAT often, and when I do – I try to keep even that healthy… but… i’m at a certain weight… i’m actually maintaining that weight sort of… just fluctuations that are normal…

anyways

so juicing.

which is a hassle and it is messy and it is time consuming…

so we were at the store last night to get some random stuff we needed and i told husband hey i’m going to get produce so i can start juicing again… he said well wouldn’t it be more cost effective to go to sam’s ? well, probably – so he says, why don’t we do it this way for now – see how it works, and picked up 3 bottles of pre-made juices… from Bolthouse farms.  one of them is carrot… just 100% carrot juice… the other two are mostly fruit… which is not how juicing is supposed to be —- for an effective juice regimen you need to do 80% veggies, and 20% fruits… so; my plan is to cut the juices with the veggies I *do* have right now (namely kale and spinach) so this morning i “made” six juices… maybe… maybe only 5.

my breakfast juice/smoothie consisted of 8 oz of carrot juice and a handful of spinach, a handful of kale, chia seeds, wheatgrass powder, and 2 tbsp of vanilla greek yogurt.
it was decent… thicker than juice, but thinner than a smoothie…

i then combined kale and spinach into 8 oz of the blue goodness and green goodness (separately) and then i combined 6 oz of green with 2 oz carrot and some more kale and spinach…

they aren’t bad. I hope they do some good at reducing the constant bloat i have been dealing with; and the lack of energy i have, and then some weight loss…

I was going to walk this morning, but it was storming, so that didn’t happen….

besides… it’s so difficult to wake up!!!

but, we’ll see how this works… if i get a chance, maybe i’ll update this … but maybe not…

nice talking to you readers 🙂

forgive the scattered incohesiveness (is that a word?) of this blog and the typos and lack of capitalization …

at least i got all i wanted out of my head!!!

 

DIY Blueprint Juice Cleanse

I’m on day 4 of this juice cleanse… it’s a diy blueprint cleanse — as the bpc costs hundreds of dollars (insane!!) and there’s a plethora of diy stuff online, I figured I’d find one myself… and didn’t realize that last year when I researched juice cleanses I had decided this had too much fruits… it doesn’t really… as I got all the stuff together and there were only some apples and lemons, so I’m not sure why I had that thought last year…
so I’m on day 4, and I’m down 4 pounds… granted most of it is probably water weight, but… yesterday when I looked at myself (didn’t take/post any pics) my stomach was a lot flatter than it has been lately…
not that I’ve been eating inherently unhealthy (often) but it’s just really fat lately… it’s disgusting…
and before you get upset b/c I’m saying something on me is fat – note – -my fat is different than your fat. my body – different than yours, my ideals for myself are different than yours, or the ones I even judge others by… I have body dysmorphia (sp?) big time… it might not truly be severe, but **shrug** I don’t know, I just know that I see myself VERY differently than others see me… we are our own harshest critics and all that, but this goes above and beyond that…
anyways, I was unable to work out for a few months due to an ankle injury and my weight just ballooned. it’s disgusting… I look in the mirror and want to cry… I can’t run still, but I can work out, and I’m trying to do cardio, but it does hurt… I should try swimming, but then I’d have to put a swimsuit on, and I can’t do that…
anyways, so day 4 is a 24 hour shift at work. the actual cleanse itself calls for no solid foods for the duration of the cleanse, which actually might be only 3 – 5 days, but i’m trying for 10…
but it’s a 24 hour day… that I’ll be awake.. .ALL. DAY. and NIGHT… so, I cut up a lot of fresh veggies and will supplement if I need to… but, I’m hoping I don’t have to…
I figure if I do, then at least it’s healthy stuff!! carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, and mini peppers
no fruits – so no extra sugars (yes I’m aware that some veggies have a sugar content, more than likely the carrots and peppers over the cauli/broccoli) but…. it’s all natural, so it’s at least healthier than added sugars…
I’m craving all sorts of things, and I have strayed . . . because my schedule is wonky and I have appointments all over the place and trainings and such, so I don’t get to drink a prescribed juice at a certain time… I haven’t been awful, but on Friday, I had a cracker during the day, and 3 French fries that night, we went out, I was up much later than normal, and didn’t have my last ‘juice’ of the day (which is a home made cashew milk) so I was STARVING and husband ordered some fries… (loaded… omgggg) but I thought only 3 fries was a pretty good feat given that I’m a potato fiend!!! and the cracker was during a training during the day b/c I couldn’t grab my juice since it was in a different building. . .
on Saturday I had a couple of cashews, but I figure this isn’t so bad b/c they’re part of the milk I make for the end of the day… I just grabbed a couple out of the ones I was putting aside for the mix… so, last year when I did the cleanse, I beat myself up if I strayed… this time, i’m not doing that… my sanity is more important … so, i’m not even eating a quarter of a serving of the 3 times I strayed, just a bite basically… **shrug** judge me if you will… tell me it defeats the entire purpose, but failure would be not finishing it, and I have every intention of doing so…

Juicing – Day 2 – part 2

gahhh!!! i had this all written, and it said it was saving drafts periodically, and none of them saved and the damn internet froze up and all i wrote is gone… that just sucks.
and it kind of makes me unmotivated to rewrite it again…
so it’s not going to be as detailed as the first one.
ugh
so it’s also a continuation of day 1…
at 3:30 am i had the pear pie delight which was pretty damn good… i was surprised that i liked it… i am not usually a fan of pears…
Pear Pie Delight
1 sweet potato
2 pears
1 apple
1 handful of blueberries
Dash of cinnamon

at 6:30 i had a green tea…
and then at 8:30 i went to bed. . .
i got up at 3:30 pm and at 4 had a hot water & lemon…
husband and i discussed the scheduling and consuming… we determined that i should be drinking one every three hours…
so i am attepmting to stick to that schedule as best as possible…
at 5:20 i had a RED – (orange, carrot, beet) it was yummy 🙂
at 8:15 pm i had a green lemonade… it was ok, not bad.
Green Lemonade:
6-8 kale leaves
3 handfuls of spinach
1 green apple
1 cucumber
2 celery stalks
1 lemon

at 11:30 pm i had a 1/2 of a RED. it is called “Un-beet-able”
i guess that my ginger piece was too big.. .holy cow that juice was so spicy!! i couldn’t even finish it !! i had to throw the rest of it out…
Un-Beet-able
1 apple
1 beet
3 carrots
Small piece of ginger root (1 inch)
3 cups leafy greens – i used kale

it actually made my stomach hurt! which ginger is supposed to prevent or cure stomach aches!!
so at 3 am i had a GREEN #2
Green #2:
Handful of kale
1 cucumber
handful spinach
half handful parsley
2 apples
1/2 lemon
1 inch ginger

it wasn’t so bad… not the best, but whatever…
at 6 am i was sooooooo hungry, so i made the cashew milk
which just consists of soaking some cashews in water and then blending it with agave nectar and cinnamon
i used my little smoothie blender, and i think if i used a regular full strength blender, the consistency would have been better, but at first it was pretty good… however, shortly after i started drinking it, my stomach started hurting… and i felt like i was going to throw up…
sure enough – i did…
i didn’t know if it was the intake of fatty substance after a couple days with none or what, but i’m not going to be trying that again…
maybe i might do the almonds, but… i’m not sure…

anyways, i weighed myself this evening when i got up before i ate anything… and i’ve lost one pound.
which isn’t much and i know that weight fluctuates, but… mine always fluctuates upwards and not down…

anyways…
i’ve been so hungry and still craving awful things… but i think it’s b/c i’m so hungry…

so… we’ll see how it works…

For a moment

For a moment I was thin…
I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. . .
But the moment ended when I looked down…
All I saw was bulge. . .
The moment was over,
Deception at its finest. . .

I hate that I feel this way…
I know I’m not as fat as I feel… I  know I’m not fat at all… it’s just the way I feel… and when I eat, it makes things worse. . . because my stomach bulges out even more. . .

but i do enjoy the moments that i like the way i look… it makes me feel a little more human…

 

there’s this thing that happens

there’s this thing that happens when you find out something that has been going on for a very long time, and you were completely unaware…

it’s kind of bizarre…

but i’m not really going to go into much detail, only that i found out something over the past week that i had no idea existed…

and in turn, kind of ‘gained’ a new family… or something to that effect.

i also reconnected with an aunt that i hadn’t seen in YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS…

and – that was AWESOME…

my cousin was also super amazing in letting me stay with her and her man… and i’m SO happy for her that she’s happy, and he’s a genuinely good guy!! yay!!!

 

i also… gained 2 pounds while i was away… which —  i know, i know — 2 pounds… *gasp*

but.

i was only 2 pounds away from my goal…

and now i’m not…

and i was feeling thin and feeling better about my body… and now i’m not…

ugh.

gross…

i wish i could go into more detail about the first part of this post… but i haven’t decided on letting all those skeletons out… and … while i don’t care if i piss SOME people off… i do care if i piss others off…

 

so… then…

again, more of nothing, but i need somewhere to share my goals and rants and whatnot- so my fellow wordpressians you fit that bill. i know that i have a lot of new readers, and for that i thank you– and you’re thinking, um, why did i choose to follow this crazy girl’s blog? she doesn’t ever blog about anything important… it’s just a bunch of useless rambling, and yes, you’re right. this is my place to ramble on incessantly about anything i want. 🙂
but –
however it is that people find me – they do, and they *gasp* follow my blog… wow…
crazy
husband thinks it’s ridiculous that i post on here… and he thinks no one pays attention to it anyways,,, i like to think that they do…
altho i am kind of disappointed that my last two recipes don’t have ANY likes…
that makes me sad b/c they were DELICIOUS.

moving on then.

my last workout, which unfortunately was monday. so at the beginning of the week, and i want to be going every day… but work problems prevented working out on tuesday and exhaustion and intense leg pain prevented it the rest of the week… oh. yeah – anyways – i posted about the workout it was great, my legs were KILLING me for 3 days… which i guess is good right?
well, tonight i did my cardio/warmup and went up to do my routine … and i added to it.. i added 20 bicycle, and increased the ‘bend-downs’ to 20, and added 20 squats… oh, and 20 bridges…(not sure that’s what they are called)… well, i got through two sets of these… and on my last 2 lunges my legs just gave out… but i powered through to do my squats, they just weren’t the right form all the way through, but then… i just couldn’t do anymore… so i went and ran a quarter mile and then stretched out in the sauna… i was so mad at myself disappointed that i couldn’t finish the 3rd set… but at the same time, i also had to leave soon anyways… so… i’ll try again tomorrow night… hopefully i can go tomorrow (this) morning and get my prt practice in..

speaking of prt practice. i had a dream last night that i was doing my prt and i ran my mile and a half in 12:30 – which i know isn’t amazingly fast like all you super runners,  but hey – it’s good for me, by a long shot… that’s like an excellent high for me! or maybe outstanding … i don’t know off the top of my head… anyways, the people running it said it was too fast, and didn’t believe that i did that… so they told me i had to practice for it and take it again at a later date.

so i started practicing with some random people (that i know, just not going to name in blog) and the first part i was practicing outside… and i just knew that the track we were on wasn’t a mile and a half, but the guy was only making me go around once, and then i moved to inside and it was another person, and still only making me go around this track once, and it was even smaller !! but my times were like 1/2 the time for the prt… it was just crazy, and then — then!!! my dream completely changed, and i was swimming in the ocean with a girl i know, and i could see the ships and the submarines, and i was thinking about bringing husband so he could see it, then all of  a sudden there was a shark near me… and i tried not to panic, but i was not doing very well in that, and the girl i was with pointed to a rocky island and told me to be careful cuz there was another shark on the other side, and i started swimming for it, but a little fish bit my toe, and i had to wake up b/c i didn’t want to get eaten… and seeing as i was now bleeding, i knew that it was going to happen…

yeah strange right??

a couple more random things, and i will come to a close, i promise.

random thing 1. i weighed myself this morning, and i’m only TWO pounds away from my goal weight.

now, my goal weight and my ideal weight are two totally different numbers, and i think i’m doing pretty well to get where i am…

i’ve been trying to eat very healthy and very small portions (compared to today’s mammoth portions that exist) but i can’t keep away from sugar…. namely chocolate…but sometimes other random candy… altho — if i do indulge in chocolate, it’s always dark chocolate. . . which is so much better for you than milk chocolate 🙂

so hopefully i can keep on my gym kick, and get to where i want to be…

random thing 2. this bit of news will delight my husband’s best friend, even tho i’m SURE he doesn’t even give a second glance to the fact that i have a blog, so he’ll never know til i tell him… haha… anyways, i have decided… that i’m going to grow my hair out… right now i’m sick of not being able to find a decent hair stylist that will cut it in a flattering way that will last for longer than 2 weeks… i know that short hair grows out quickly and mine grows even more quickly, but i had a stylist in st louis that did amazing things with my hair !!! and i could go two months or MORE without a hair cut and without it looking ridiculous. as it looks now…

so i guess i’ll go in for one more haircut and tell my stylist that i’m going to grow it out and hopefully she or hell — he… can help me out…

so… that’s all i have to say for now…

who knows i  might post something else before the end of the night… it’s only 1230 and i’m here for another 7 hours…

wooooo

yay nights…

my twisted view…

ok… here i go again…

i have issues, i know this.

i’m not fat.

i’m not overweight.

i’m not chubby…

however, i am flabby.

and not toned.

and not how i want to look AT ALL…

and this is my major complaint…

my husband loves me, and thinks i’m beautiful… however, even he agrees that there is definite room for improvement…

because, he’s used to what i want… and how i used to be.

and i have conversations with my friends all the time about this… b/c they don’t agree with me… i don’t see myself how others see me.

i see grossness in the mirror… it makes me cry… a lot…

it shouldn’t, i know… and all these people post that you should be happy with yourself on the inside blah blah blah…

but let me tell you — i see the outside.

and i’m seriously unhappy with THAT…

but i’m trying so hard to change it…

i really am…

😦

it’s just taking so much longer than i’m used to… i hate this whole getting older thing… it’s seriously affecting my ability to get back to where i want to be physically…

and yes, even though i am extremely happy with my amazing husband, i am seriously unhappy with my body…

and my love and happiness with him – doesn’t extend through to being happy with myself the way i am physically…

sorry, i just don’t work that way…

so forgive me friends, because my main complaint is my body… and i’m sorry that this annoys you so much…

try being in my shoes… and having this messed up brain that has a fun house mirror take the place of a regular mirror every time i look at it…

E.D.’s

ohhhh you perverted little puppies.

not THAT e.d.

this e.d. stands for eating disorders .

i don’t have one.

i’m just fucked up in the head.

cuz here’s how my thinking goes…  — p.s. this is MY blog, therefore it is a judgment free zone. . . got something ignorant to say — keep it to yourself.

here are some of my more fucked up thoughts — in no particular order

f’d up thought #1: i wish that i could get away with not eating, but my stomach won’t let me
f’d up thought #2: i wish i could get mono b/c then i’d lost a ton of weight!!
f’d up thought #3: tapeworms?? hmmmm
f’d up thought #4: i like being sick, because if i throw up – it works my abs more…
f’d up thought #5: ((this one is rather infamous between a friend & I)) bulimics have better abs
f’d up thought #6: the longer i’m hungry, the less hungry i will be… the more i don’t eat – maybe my stomach will shrink…

UGH this is crazy.

i’m a grown woman. not some adolescent searching for acceptance.

i honestly don’t care what OTHER people think of me — i care what *I* think of me when i look in the damn mirror.

i hate the mirror, btw.

and the scale.

 i know that pounds don’t tell the whole truth…
and that when i DO start gaining muscle, it’s going to weigh more than fat…

but, i won’t be jiggly… i’ll be tone and fit… and still paranoid.

cuz my mind is obsessed with numbers.

i actually tried to talk to a counselor about this — she basically laughed in my face…

not that i’m some sort of professional at all – but if someone tells you they have a legitimate fear and problems with how they see themselves — is it reallllllly the best response to laugh at them?!?!?!

needless to say – i didn’t see her anymore

and that’s not even the main reason i WAS seeing her.

i need to be deprogrammed…

b/c i just can’t stop obsessing over this…

 

so i wanna post a blog

but, unfortunately, i have nothing to say right now.

i could complain about my every increasing weight… but — i’m pretty sure that won’t help me any… i complain about it all the time, in person, to my husband, to my co-workers, and to the few friends i contact…
i shudder everytime i look in the mirror. but i’m dieting, and working out… it’s just not as fast as i want it…

i can do an update… hmmm i’m working 12 hour shifts now.
trying to get 3m qualled (sp?) so i can do something, and impatiently awaiting getting into the indoc that was cancelled, b/c until i go through that i can’t officially start studying for my EIDWS pin. i want to get that before i advance… unfortunately, i’m going to have to start studying for the advancement exam… so it will be a little difficult to study for both and not confuse the hell out of myself…

umm, i’ve been perusing a TON of  blogs lately, i’ve found QUITE a few that i really like…
and then one that my friend started re-posting on…
so here’s a paragraph:
blogs i like. . .
http://usnspartan85.blogspot.com/   – a site from a fellow sailor… she’s very eloquent and super smart
http://thecheekydiva.com/  –  found her today while wandering through wordpress
http://righttobitch.com/  –  found him today while on the cheeky diva’s page
http://singlegirlblogging.com/  – ok, i’m not single. . . not by a long shot — but, i like the way this girl writes

these are just ones i’ve found in the past 24 hours…
oh, there was one from the other day that i found via freshly pressed: http://diaryofasadwidow.wordpress.com/   — i started reading it b/c of the title on freshly pressed – and ended up very teary eyed while at work… kind of embarrassing . . . but, hey it’s whatever…   (((((p.s. — i don’t know the proper protocol for linking a blog… i’m just sharing some that i happened upon…if this happens to be you and you are offended, i apologize, and please share the appropriate way to link))))

i don’t follow blogs, unless i know the person… i feel that it’s kind of intrusive BUT — i wish for more followers on mine… how’s that for a dumb idea…

i also wish i could be freshly pressed…

i read criteria for getting pressed — i don’t want to comply…
you have to link here and there and everywhere… well, honestly folks, i don’t click on those links 9 times out of 10… I don’t like it to change the page i’m on or open another window…

i’m on crack, it’s cool, i know

so there’s a substantial portion of information…

um, what else…

i spent most of one entire work shift (12 hours if you don’t remember) on craftgawker.com  ((ooh look i kind of linked!)) because it’s so interesting to see what other people come up with from within their minds. i have been wanting to make jewelry for a long time now, i’m just not creative enough… well, let me take that back.  i have GREAT ideas in my head… it’s just getting them out of there and actually looking the way i want them to that poses a problem…
kind of like drawing… DUDE let me tell YOU — in my mind, i’m a fantastic artist…
i have always had the dream of being a fashion designer… unfortunately… i can’t draw. worth. shit.

so needless to say, i feel the same way when i have this craft/jewelry idea in my head and … it just never works out.. husband even has laughed at some of the miserable failures that have occurred… and while he IS supportive of what i want to do –  there’s not always a logistic outlet or result for what i create… for instance i made this very cool (in my opinion) wall hanging to hang in our new place … yeah, um, it’s sitting in our spare room along with all the boxes that we have no idea what to do with… uh — not hanging… and i made coasters! they are so cool looking!! but, you can’t really use them, b/c for some reason, they don’t work right — you put your glass on it and it sticks… this does not go well with our new furniture… i don’t want to be the reason of a big dent in our new furniture… so i’m uninspired to create new things… i even made wall hangings back in illinois that i was just not happy with when i was done, but we hung them anyways, buuuut… ended up throwing them away when we moved b/c i wanted to do them better… ((yeah haven’t gotten there yet))     {note: look i linked!! and um, they are supposed to go to a new window, but it ends up changing the window you’re in… sigh}
anyways, i think i might attempt some form of making jewelry during my 12 hour shifts, b/c i’m gonna need a break from studying, and i start overnights soon… oy vey!!!

so, ok i guess i’ve rambled on incessantly enough for one blog…

~peace~

 

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